Epic Rap Battles of Historical Fiction: Enjolras vs. Javert
Tell me quickly what’s the story
who saw what and why and where
Cause it looks to me like rich boy
wants to mess with Javert
You’re a sycophantic rabble-rouser preaching to the poor
Half the people in your “army” don’t know what they’re fighting for
What’s wrong, Enjolras? You’re looking kinda pale
Maybe you finally learned not to fuck with the ponytail!
Yeah I’m Javert; I’m like no other
Your best friend was played by a Jonas brother!
It’s real life— it’s war! It’s not some rich-boy game!
Nobody even knows how to pronounce your name!
There will always be poverty— stop your whining and deal!
Stop your dreamy fantasies, you pussy, this is for real!
I’m a beast with a pistol! You wanna see?
You know those shots that killed Gavroche? Yeah, those were me!
So start your revolution, bitch— I hold all the cards
What’s a gang of all your friends against my National Guards?
Javert, that’s enough!
Bring on the guards, Bring on the guns
Try to stay on your feet in the slums!
Let your heartbeat echo the beat of the drums!
You’ll know sweet defeat when tomorrow comes!
At last! We kick ass! With every free spirit unique!
Feel the call! Hear them all! Shouting, “Vive le république!”
Let people sing
Let freedom ring
Let every man stand hand in hand as a king
Tell me Javert,
Since you’re still in that chair
When’s the last time the French Army won anything?
Red for the blood of the angry men!
Black for the dark of the ages past!
We’ll never give up, no, we never shall yield
‘Til the day we can say we are free at last!
You bitch! Once you break the law you’re never going back
It’s not too late to turn back now and get your life on track
I’ll make you scream so hard Little Cosette would be proud
I’ll beat you ‘till you’re singing’ ‘bout a castle on a cloud
I will never lose my way in life: the stars are my guide!
ENJOLRAS: How ironic would it be if you committed suicide?
Javert: Spoiler alert— just thought you should know
You die on the barricade!
And now I’m all alone again no one to fight no one to hate
All at once I see the prospect of a lonely fate
I see criminals around me but don’t feel like intervening
Cause ensuing revolution my whole life has lost its meaning
I am reaching, but I fall— and the stars are black and cold
As I stare into the void of a world that cannot hold!
I’ve had enough of living, all the faith I felt is gone
And so I’d love to finish rapping but there’s no way to go on!
Welcome, Inspector.This is our paradise. We have created a haven for those lost in the fight to survive. But you are not welcome. You sought to hinder our destiny. And now that all is said and done, there is something you ought to know.
You made it to the pearly gates but “you shall not pass.”
You can bet we’ll shove a rifle up your bastard ass!
This is heaven you shit, all the heroes are here.
Valjean and Combeferre, Gavroche and Grantaire.
When my people fought for freedom your police stood in the way.
You must learn of liberté, égalité, fraternité!
My rhymes are revolutionary: haven’t you heard?
Like a Little Red Book in every single word!
The people rise to freedom that will put you in your place.
See them rise to damn your lies and atomize your base.
We’ll end it with the guillotine; a little coup de grace.
And we’ll be chopping more than just the mutton on your face.
When the barricade fell, God picked up the pieces.
I’m a martyr, now, bitch: I’m basically Jesus!
After revolution every man will be a king.
So tell me, dear Inspector, do you hear the people sing?